Wedding Belles

Apparently, I have reached the age where it has become unacceptable to attend a wedding dateless. I made that mistake on Saturday when I attended a childhood friend's nuptials with my friend Kathy who is also single and received an invitation to the blessed event. We decided that it is too much work to find dates, and far to awkward to sit through a ceremony, reception and dance with someone that you don't really like in the case that you are actually able to find some poor sucker to agree to it. Unfortunately, I don't yet have a throng of men on hand to call upon in these situations. So Kathy and I went together, arriving seconds before the bride's entrance, because we underestimated the distance and overestimated our navigation skills. We were good girls, giggling only on occasion and our whispered critiques were mostly nice. I didn't gag once during the slide show, I waited patiently to congratulate the happy couple as they dismissed us by rows and I even stood with the bubble-blowing throng waiting for the couple to exit the church. However, I did not actually blow any bubbles. I have my limits.

On the drive to the reception, Kathy and I discussed the wedding down to the finest detail like any good single girls would. We wondered what time food would be served at the reception, seeing as it was only three-thirty by this time. We figured it would probably be at five, and considered stopping for a snack because we were so hungry. In the process of making that decision I spotted a Mercedes dealership and gushed to Kathy about how the only car I had any aspirations of owning was a Mercedes. We were about to pass the dealership when she asked me if I wanted to test-drive one. Was that even an option? Of course I did. So I shouted an affirmative and she whipped into the lot. We perused for a minute when Larry approached. He asked us what we were looking for and I pulled the old I'm-blond-with-big-boobs-and-I-don't-spend-a-lot-of-quality-time-using-my-brain routine. I told him that I didn't know much about cars. He assured me that his thirty years in the business would make up for my deficiency. He asked us where we were from and I let Kathy field that one. She gave him the name of a town near our hometowns and told him that we were just passing through for a wedding. We didn't even have to lie and he offered to let us take the car out. 

It was a good ride, and Larry provided decent conversation. One of his sales pitches was that Mercedes were theft-proof. He backed this up with a reference from Gone in 60 Seconds, in which the only car on the list that they are unable to steal is the Mercedes. He also told us we could do whatever we wanted with the car, but warned us that any tickets were our own. I asked him if anyone he took out had gotten a ticket and he said that one guy had. He had been going one-fifty in a fifty-five. He told us that the car we were driving would not go faster than one-forty. We told him that could be a problem. It wasn't until he asked us who would primarily be driving the car that we realized that he thought we were a lesbian couple. Discussing it later we realized it made perfect sense. We went to a wedding together, we claimed that we lived in the same town and our story didn't hold any water if we were two single twenty-something females EACH looking to buy a Mercedes. When we left he only gave us one business card. Why would we need two? We could just share it like we were going to share our Mercedes. 

We continued our jaunt to the reception much like Hansel and Gretel with the breadcrumbs, following the trail of purple and silver metallic streamers that cut ties with the couples faux-vandalized car. We, too, lost the trail and got detoured on our journey desperately seeking food, but we eventually found the Holiday Inn. We waited with our fellow guests for the doors to the reception hall to open. We made the mistake of going to the bathroom, because we came out to find that they had opened in the meantime. By the time we got in and staked claim to an empty table for eight, there were hardly any unseated guests. None came to our table. We sat alone at a table for eight. It turned out to be okay, though, because we each ate two salads and, like, three rolls. When an old co-worker and neighbor pointed to Kathy and asked me "Is that your...friend?" with a weird look on her face, I resolved to bring a date to the next wedding. For Christ's sake, we were all from a town of eight-hundred where both Kathy and I worked with this woman. I didn't bring a man with me. Big deal. I shouldn't have to defend my sexuality.   

After eating, we decided to make a trip to the liquor store. Being the classy girls that we are, we knew we needed to get drunk and that it wasn't going to happen on four dollar drinks from the cash bar. I would say, without judgement, that Kathy is one of the most indecisive people I know, so our choice of booze was not an easy decision to make. We had to factor in potency, mixers and the size and material of the bottle because we had to be subtle back at the reception. At the checkout we found smallish plastic bottles of rum. We got yelled at by a cop because Kathy sized it up to see if it would fit in her purse. Right as I was telling her not to put it in her purse because the cop would think she was stealing he said loudly, "You are putting a bottle in your purse with a cop watching," in a tone that made it clear that he thought we were the dumbest bitches he had ever seen. After all, we were pretty conspicuous with the hundred-pound thief wearing a very short, BRIGHT YELLOW dress. Shit, we might act stupid, but we weren't THAT stupid. I defended Kathy by saying, "She's not stealing it, she's just seeing if it will fit in her purse!" We bought two bottles and walked out, heads held high. 

I didn't end up getting drunk, but my high-school principal did. That was pretty funny. I also got to catch up with a few family friends from my hometown that I haven't seen for awhile. It was a good day despite my sobriety, especially considering that I got to drive my dream car for the first time, and was the accessory to the alleged attempted-theft of Malibu by an upstanding pharmacy student. The wedding also made me think, which I generally appreciate. The bride graduated with me, and subsequently met a guy, converted her religion and is now MARRIED. It caused me to think about my choices. I wonder if I really can have it all. If I can, am I making the right choices now to achieve that? If I can't have it all, what will I sacrifice? But then I realize that I am happy right now, going to weddings with my girlfriends and taking off for Africa because I want to. I am happy with no degree, no career, no religion, no man and no kids. I love the unknown, and probably won't have any of the aforementioned things until I decide that having them outweighs the thrill of not having them. I am not ready to know who I am going to spend the rest of my life with, or praying to or working for. Right now I am content with the limitless possibilities that lay before me.      

Perverts and Creeps

Last night I went out. On a Monday. In Rochester. I don't think I need to explain why my expectations were low. Although, as Meghan and I approached the first bar, I thought of a memorable night there which happened on a Monday last summer. I remember that it was a Monday, because going out on a Monday feels weird. The patrons are older, have more liver damage, are either perpetually belligerent or perpetually catatonic and are considerably more desperate than your average weekend crowd. The upside is that ordering a drink is not like being on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. It is, however, an environment where it is wise to have a man with you upon arrival. For obvious reasons. Statistics show that it decreases cases of sexual harassment exponentially. My friend Brandon wouldn't come because he had to work at five the next morning, so Meghan and I were on our own. We walked in, counted seven people and headed out the back door without even buying one drink.

We went across the street to my roommate Jenny's favorite bar and grabbed a booth. At first, it was pretty lame. The guy in the next booth was trying to get us to join him, but he was denied and Meghan and I immersed ourselves in girl talk. A random guy stopped at our booth, interrupted us and tried to start a conversation. He was either too drunk to notice, or too obtuse to care that our body language was anything but inviting. He asked to sit down. Being the passive-aggressive creatures that women often are, we allowed him to join us, but attempted to get rid of him by appearing to be completely uninterested in anything he had to say. It was lost on him. He thought we were shy. That is when I decided to acknowledge his presence and speak. I told him that I most certainly was not shy, hoping that he would infer that I was simply bored. He kept talking.

It turned out alright because he ended up being bait. Bait Boy knew this kid that I wanted Meghan to stop because she recognized him from work. She wouldn't do it, even though she knows I have a weakness for black guys. But divine intervention put this guy right at our booth when he stopped to talk to Bait Boy. He joined us, and we found out that he possesses beautiful eyelashes and the ability to make a conversation a lot less boring. When we were talking about Meghan moving to the south side of Chicago, and me going to South Africa, Bait Boy informed me that South Africa has the highest rate of car-jackings anywhere. I was less than fascinated by this tidbit of information. I told him that they also had the highest incidence of reported rape in the world. His mind was still on the car thing. He said, "But I guess that you won't be bringing your car there..." To which I replied, "Yeah, but I will be bringing my vagina." This caused Eyelashes, whose attention seems to wander occasionally, to take notice. "Vagina? What about your vagina?" he asked. Meghan said, "She's taking it with her to Africa." He said that he hoped so, and that he didn't realize it was a snap-on. Later, when we were talking about street smarts, and I said that I had them, he laughed and said, "I don't know too many niggas sittin' in the hood sayin', hey, 'Let's go to Africa tomorrow.'" Point taken. Later when Bait Boy mentioned an after party attended by himself, a guy that worked for him, Meghan and me, we made our escape. We pretended to go to the bathroom and headed for the back door. Eyelashes ended up walking eleven of the twelve blocks home with us. When we were in a well-lit hospital area, he said goodbye. We agreed later that he was the best thing to happen to us all night.

When we got home, we decided that we should go to Perkins. We had plans to go to breakfast in the morning, but it was pretty much a craps shoot as to whether I would get up for it. So we decided to go then. When we were eating, a group of Middle-Eastern guys who had been at the same bar as us walked in. I had chosen to wear a shirt that made my boobs look absolutely fabulous, and I asked Meghan if she ever wondered what Muslim guys, especially ones from other countries, thought about American girls. Take us for example. We went out by ourselves to a bar where we sat with men that we didn't know. We let a stranger walk us to a home where single girls lived without their parents, and where I changed into a shirt that revealed my boobs. Then we went out at three in the morning to get breakfast that we didn't cook, with money that we earned ourselves. While we waited for our cab, one of the Arabs went out for a smoke. As he passed, he told me that there was a spot. "A spot for what?" I asked. He replied, "For you to sit," and pointed to the empty spot where he had been sitting with his friends. This was one of several uncomfortable encounters with that particular group of men, in addition to those with another man who was sitting by himself doodling drawings on his napkin that appeared to be Schizophrenic in nature.

Finally, our cab came and I was excited to see that Dick was our driver. The two of us go way back. All the way to a slutty cop Halloween costume the night my camera got stolen. He has driven me on several occasions since. I told him that he was my very favorite driver because he didn't creep me out. I asked him if I could request him when I called for a cab. He informed my that was against policy. He gave me his private number, and was adamant that I not tell anyone. If he discovers this blog, I will probably end up in a river somewhere. He ran me through the procedure for bootlegged cab rides, like it was a CIA operation: I call him on the special number and he tells me how long it will be. If I don't want to wait I call the cab company's legitimate number. And he is off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Wow, Dick, pretty heavy shit you're bringing me into. Could you run me through that procedure again, but more slowly this time since it's sooooo remarkably different from the regular way that I would call a cab? Then he asked me for my number, and I told him that I didn't have a phone. He told me again not to tell ANYBODY that he gave me his private number. Congratulations Dick, you now rank right up there with the cabbie who asked to see my underwear, and the one that shut off the meter a few blocks early thanks to my two best assets. The cab company must have a quota for creeps and perverts. However, judging by the rest of the night, they don't have a monopoly on them. It was an interesting night, but I think I will stick to going out weekends.

Excess Baggage

I bring too much stuff every time I go somewhere, especially if that somewhere is really far away. When I studied in Ireland for a semester of high school I brought photo albums, books, a couple of my favorite movies, at least five pairs of shoes, a plethora of toiletries and clothes that I did not wear one time during the four months that I was there. My host father, Liam, and my host brother, Jonathon, had to wrestle my suitcase into the "boot" of their tiny Toyota and up the stairs of their house. I am not overly concerned with the incident. It didn't bother me or have any negative repercussions, but looking back it was completely ridiculous. Ireland has book stores, drug stores and movie rental places with movies that actually play in Irish VCRs. It didn't even occur to me that these were options, and to try to pack light. When I went to Austria to see my aunt for Christmas my freshman year of college, I did better. I put my bulky winter sweatshirts and coats in those vacuum pack things that you see on infomercials. I am sure that I struggled with the shoe issue, because I always do, but I managed alright. I still brought stuff that I didn't use, though. I would like to be able to pack like Tomoko, the Japanese student that stayed with my Irish host family for a couple of the same weeks that I did, and who packed in one teeny-tiny suitcase that made me wonder where the other one was. My aunt Sarah has travelled the world with, like, two pairs of black pants and three shirts. Or so she says. I think she's telling the truth, because when she comes home she is always asking to borrow my grandma's socks, or jacket or sweater.

My desire to pack lightly for Africa started out innocently enough, as the spawn of two separate rationales that, when combined, convinced me that there could be no other way. Firstly, I want to feel the satisfaction of being able to accomplish my goal of packing for five weeks in a really small suitcase. If I can do that, I will have accomplished something that I have admired others for, and I will not have to lug around an eighty pound suitcase and keep track of a bunch of crap while I am trying to enjoy my African adventure. The other rationale is what really made it clear to me that this was a goal that I should not take lightly. Apparently, "OR Tambo, Johannesburg and Cape Town airports have a serious baggage pilferage problem," according to some reference materials that I received for this trip. Really, what is the point of bringing seventy pounds of extra stuff that is just going to get stolen? I will pack only necessities, and cheap ones at that, in a carry-on that will stay with me from my house to Minneapolis to New York to Dakar to Cape Town. No one better mess with me.

I knew that the biggest challenge of packing everything in a carry-on would be the TSA's liquid regulations. Bastard terrorists. So, to remind myself not to go overboard, like I am known to do on occasion, I put a quart-sized baggie in my bedroom. It started when I put a small bottle of lotion in it. Then on a trip to Target, I found these great little packets of Tide that are measured for washing clothes in a sink. I added those to my bag. I could not pass up the tiny body washes for $2.50 at Bath and Body Works, so I bought a couple and added them to my collection. I went to Sephora with my friend Kathy and bought some tinted moisturizer. I threw that in. My bag was starting to look a little full, so I decided that I better prioritize. I made a list of all the liquid things that I would need to bring and started buying them. I felt the pressure that only a triage nurse or a mother stranded at sea with her children could understand when I had to start cutting items. Hairspray was the first to go. I don't even use hairspray in the United States. What the fuck was I going to need it for in Africa? This is not cycle four of America's Next Top Model. Two bottles of body wash? What was I thinking? A bar of soap is not liquid, I could bring that. More devastating was the realization that my Oscar Blandi dry shampoo was losing the race against items like regular shampoo, toothpaste and my new, tiny bottle of Vera Wang Princess, which were all non-negotiable items. You may ask why I needed to put DRY shampoo in my quart-size bag of liquids. It is because it is an aerosol, and aerosols are on the list. I decided that I don't care. I am taking it anyway in a different part of my suitcase and using my powers of persuasion and my good looks to change the mind of anyone who tries to give me any trouble about it.

I successfully whittled my liquids down to the appropriate amount. They fit in a Ziploc. The zip is holding on for dear life, on the verge of busting open at a moment's notice, but it's zipped and that's all that counts. After I won that battle, I started to wonder if I could really fit everything in the minuscule suitcase that I drug up from the basement and put in my room as a constant reminder to pack conservatively. So I put an umbrella, a couple shirts, soap, an extra pair of glasses and my prescriptions for Malaria and traveler's diarrhea inside it just to get an idea of how much space I had to work with. I made the mistake of letting my friend Meghan see the suitcase and it's contents, and she commented, "Wow. You are going to Africa in a month and you are halfway packed." I told her that I would appreciate if she said that I "threw some things in a suitcase" as opposed to saying that I had started packing. I also swore her to secrecy. Finally, I corrected her obvious exaggeration. I would say that I am only about a third or fourth packed.

Tattoodles

Last Sunday, after Logan's little attempt to get some underage ass, I got a call from the Colombian. He wanted to know if I wanted to "accompany" him to get a tattoo, which really meant that he needed a ride. I drive a hard bargain, so I made him agree to pay for the gas and it was settled. Right after I went to the Sex and the City movie I would pick him up. I had never seen anyone get a tattoo before, except on Miami Ink of course, so I was pretty excited. I was also nervous. I think the nerves stemmed from the fact that the idea for the tattoo came from me. Let me paint a picture: South American guy with a hot body adorned with a crucifix. In my opinion, all that was missing was a little ink. How hot would a cross or some Catholic virgin or something be? So I told him that he should get a tattoo with the inflection that perhaps only a native speaker would recognize as purely impulsive. It was one of those things that you say and that you mean, but you didn't necessarily mean to say, because it starts something that you didn't necessarily mean to start. So, as we drove to Minneapolis, I asked him approximately a billion times if he was sure that he wanted to do this. A tattoo? It would be there forever. It would hurt. It could get infected. He just shrugged and said that he was sure.

So we made it to St. Sabrina's, where I went with Jenny Boe to get my lip pierced when she lived in that neighborhood, and we checked in. We waited, him impatiently and me nervously, for Pedro to make a stencil of the "Death Before Dishonor" tattoo that he was going to get across his back. It wasn't something Catholic like I had hoped, but it was just about as original. I guess it's a military thing. So Pedro finished the stencil and we went upstairs to get down to business.

I think that Pedro was surprised to see the Colombian's scars when he took off his shirt, both the long one along the left side of his back and the ones that cover his left arm. He was like, "What happened man?" The Colombian told him that he was in the Colombian army and that he was injured fighting the guerrilla. Just like that. Said in a matter-of-fact tone dissimilar to the one that I would most likely use in that situation. To me scars are like little trophies of toughness. The one on my knee? Yeah, I got that bustin' a move on my purple rollerblades back in the day. You can't even see it? Wait until I get a tan. That one on my shin? Fifth grade. Nasty fight with a razor. Apparently I was applying too much pressure. Pedro did ask some questions, but the Colombian gave short answers to those, too. He had been shot five times, and had twenty-eight surgeries total. Yes, there were still bullets inside his body. At that moment I remembered the awe I felt when I had heard all this for the first time. I was reminded that this was a very unique person with an incredible story. I liked that he didn't milk the story for attention, even though it wouldn't really be wrong if he did.

As luck would have it, Pedro was pretty cool. He was very nice like I had hoped, and he was fluent in Spanish, as one might guess by his name, but probably not by his looks. His dad was from Boston and his mom was Chilean, and he had spent several years of his childhood living in Chile. He was a guest artist at St. Sabrina's, but was booked out for months at the shop in Portland that he owned. My roommate, Jen, wants to move to Portland so I thought of her and figured I should get the name of the shop in case I am ever in Portland and need a tattoo.

After the tattoo, the Colombian and I went to Chipotle. It was the same Chipotle that Jenny Boe and I went to during her lying phase. She was wearing an ITALIA shirt and the guys working asked her if she was from Italy. She said she was. They asked her what part and she said the north part. She is from a town of sixty-three in southern Minnesota. This was around the same time that a girl at the mall asked her where she got her skirt and she said that she made it. Completely untrue. She doesn't even sew. It was an entertaining stage to say the least. Anyway, I went first in the Chipotle line and because the Colombian and I are only friends now, I paid for my own food. That is what I do when I am with my other friends. He called me out on it and asked me why I didn't let him pay. I told him that I had money and that I could pay for my own food. I have noticed that I always try to assert my independence when I am with him. Like making him agree to pay for gas so I wouldn't feel like he was using me, even though I really wanted to go with him to get his tattoo.

The ride home was very pleasant. There was good conversation and no arguments or power struggles. I felt like I used to about him. Then the meaning of him having his tattoo forever and my going with him occurred to me, and because I am a person who says what she thinks, I told him. Unlike so many times when we try to communicate, there were no misunderstandings. He got it right away. He could never forget me, because there was a permanent reminder right across his back.

So, last night I had to say goodbye again. I would be lying if I said all these goodbyes have been easy for me. I said goodbye to my best friend Jenny Boe a few weeks ago. She is spending the summer in Venezuela. Two weeks ago I took another of my closest friends, my roommate Jen, to the airport for her flight to Copenhagen for a nursing internship. It has seemed like months since she left. But last night I had to do it again, only this time it is not just for the summer. The Colombian is going home, and as dysfunctional as whatever relationship we have is, I care about him and am going to miss him. The goodbye, like many things in life, did not go how I wanted it to. I was not beautiful, and eloquent and cool about it. I didn't say anything funny or important. I just got mad and started crying, and once I started I didn't stop. That was it and now he is gone. I know that the way Portland reminds me of my roommate Jen, and St. Sabrina's and vicinity reminds me of Jenny Boe, there will be things that make me think of him. But for now I am feeling alone in Rochester, anticipating Africa, thinking about Colombia and waiting for my heart to come back from Denmark and Venezuela.

Sex it Up

When Kari decided to move out, Jenny put an ad in the classifieds at work because we didn't know anyone at the time who was looking for a place. We got two responses. One was from this guy named Ahmed. Actually, his friend called on his behalf, and there was definitely a language barrier going on. I am all about diversity, though, so Jenny and I looked him up on the company directory. Turns out that he is a middle-aged, middle-Eastern plastic surgeon. Don't get me wrong, I don't discriminate against the middle-aged, and I think it could be interesting to have a roommate with a different culture. Kind of like a foreign exchange student. But sharing my home with a plastic surgeon? Now that I have a problem with. I can just picture it. I would wake up, walk into the bathroom and get naked for my shower and my body would be covered with those thick black marker lines depicting where he intended to nip and tuck everything that needed nipping and tucking. I realize that I have probably watched a little too much Doctor 90210, but with a bangin' body like mine it seems like a legitimate fear.

The other response we got was from Logan, an eighteen-year-old kid that works at the hospital. His photo in the directory and his fluency in English were pretty much all we had to go on, but we deemed him non-threatening, and he came over and looked at the house. He was interested, and I wanted to meet him, so we met at school. Our conversation was short and sweet. I asked him if he was going to kill me in my sleep. Any idiot would answer no to this question even if that person was a sociopath. Probably especially if they were a sociopath. But Logan passed my test when he asked me if I was going to kill him in his sleep.

So last weekend he moved in. That was back when I couldn't walk, so I came home from working the longest twelve hour shift of my life, took fifteen minutes to hobble up the stairs and threw myself onto my bed. We made a little small talk as he got ready to go out. I realized the magnitude of those four little years between eighteen and twenty-two when he asked me if I was "just going to lay there on a FRIDAY night." It wasn't even nine. What the hell? He didn't even give me a chance. Oh, who was I kidding...I was not going anywhere. I told him that I couldn't walk and that I had to work the next morning at seven. I am becoming so lame, and I barely even care.

I think things have been going well so far. I now have surround sound on my TV, and he is pretty tidy. Not to mention that it makes for some pretty interesting observations of male behavior. Like when, after an hour and a half phone conversation with some chick, he informed me that girls are complicated. Like every other guy, he just wants to get laid. Insight into the male psyche cannot hurt my current situation.

There have been awkward moments. Well, just one, and it was my fault. I brought the Colombian over, and I wasn't exactly sure how to handle it. Should I warn Logan? But then he wouldn't be able to be in denial about it. So I opted for the sneak attack and got busted upon entrance. He is eighteen, not eight, and he knew what was going down. Sometimes I am a bad roommate, but fuck, I gotta do what I gotta do.

This weekend, when Logan informed me that he was having his underage friends over to party, my ass got the hell out of dodge. For a split second, I considered just staying home in my room. Then I realized that if I was home and this party got busted, I would be arrested. Worse than that, I would have to tell people why I was arrested. I couldn't help but think of that creepy girl who hangs out with much younger kids because she can hook them up with beer if they will be her friends. Everyone knows one. People would think I was her. How did I get myself into this situation? And what was Ahmed doing right now? I'll bet he wasn't trying to get lucky with sixteen-year-old girls. God-willing. Jenny and I joked about our house being a brothel, but in that scenario I was supposed to be a whore not a madam. I went to Meghan's praying that I would not come home to total destruction, or have to witness high school girls' walks of shame. When I got home I entered with caution, but my house was no more and no less unkempt than usual. The girls had already evacuated. All was well.

I think my fears of theft and illicit drug use in my attic have been put to rest. What can I say? I have trust issues, but I think this is going to work out just fine.